You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
