i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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