I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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