there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
