For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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