I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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