I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize