kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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