Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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