Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
