i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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