They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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