Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
