Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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