I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize