I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
