fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
