Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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