There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
