i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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