And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
