I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
