halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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