sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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