so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
