I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
