Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
