Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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