we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
