i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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