seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How drunk are you?
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