dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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