There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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