Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
