Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
