It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
