I smell stomach acid.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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