If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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