Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
