totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
