She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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