No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
