On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
