someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
