he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
