Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
