my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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