Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
