The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
