His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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