Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
