Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
