Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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