did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
50% drunk capacity currently
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
