you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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