I wish I only lived at night.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
