my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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