The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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