Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
