I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
