Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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