It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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