At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize