I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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