Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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