I cockslap morals
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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