im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
