if you like me you must not know who I am
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is it because I queefed?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
