i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Plan B is the new Plan A
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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